I’ve decided to go back and do psychology again. After a long hiatus, I’ve decided that the mental health system here sucks and I wanna make a change, try to help others who are unwell and generally do something good instead of just working to make money. I am utterly disappointed and unsatisfied with my current degree and although I will fight it to the finish, afterward I will move to greater heights and hopefully do better at something i’m interested in.
I don’t just wanna be a therapist I wanna be someone who changes lives for the better, who takes a real interest in people.
OH WELL
lets see how this goes…

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interesting day today
met up with some old friends. one was amrita from murdoch college and one was huixin from scgs. and when huixin and i were roaming around clementi (don’t ask why) we bumped into phoebe from our sec 3 and 4 class as well. both huixin and phoebe happened to be our class reps in fact! just realised. heh. πŸ™‚
phoebe was saying our “Coolness” levels all dropped for walking around clementi shopping there.. haha but i just wanted to get a feel of the heartlands since i have come back to singapore. what for go to a mall that is exactly like any other mall in the cities of the world right? πŸ˜€

another night i spend awake because of starbucks. i blame the fish lady. XD
well, as always, i’m trying to start up something new, a resolution of sorts.
and i hope that i won’t fail to achieve them or forget about them, as always.
on a more positive note, it’s a good thing i guess to hope at least for something good, even if it doesn’t materialise.
in this instance, i realised i entirely did not plan anything for this summer except for losing weight which is what i plan every summer so it doesn’t count. but as i stare at the half typed screen i am still thinking wth can i do this holiday?
the uni counsellor suggested that i spend more time reflecting on issues so i guess one thing i could do is to blog more. it kinda helps. and it’s good that i see from the stats that i’m not getting many views so hopefully i can elaborate on ideas and thrash things out.
i guess it’s kinda helped in the past although i must say as a kind of disclaimer that what i say on my blog does not always reflect my stance or opinion on things in the long run. it’s just a state of mind and stream of consciousness kind of thing as you might have noticed. pretty important to note that i think.
anyway
since i have currently quite a boring social life and as you probably have noticed this isn’t the kind of blog where i post my “happening” pics of my social life it will be good if i can use this blog that way – as in to reflect a bit.
sorry i always get lost in my sentences
i want to try and evaluate what i really want to do in life in terms of a career/uni course.. i’m definitely not going to be able to change much about my course since i’m so deep in but i guess i just want to see if that’s really what i wanna do the rest of my life. i want to go to Impact conference/camp – a FOCUS church initiative – and in view of becoming more active and consistent in church, make more connections there and try to be more outspoken.
i want to in general become more outspoken as i used to be. talk more express my views.
i want to do away with inhibitions and silly inferiorities i feel sometimes.
and i want to visit my grandma in hospital.
good enough you think? or should i have more? hmm…

(taken from paperheartsyndrome.deviantart.com, just thought it was pretty)
this is probably about how the sun was on the opposite side of the sky when i woke up this morning. and how my name looks wrong every time i write it until it’s gotten to the point that i’m not even sure how to spell it. it’s about how everything has been flying out of my control so that i can’t remember how to walk without making a sound. or how to hold on to the edges when my vision gets too blurry. this is almost certainly about how you live one and three forth miles to the north of me, but i forgot and slept facing the south last night so now i just feel like i turned my back on you.

but really, this isn’t about you.

it’s about how i’ve subscribed to the same three magazines for three years now, and every time i open them i feel like i’ve seen it all before. and how today is like yesterday and four days before that. it’s about how i’m a repeat stuck on repeat, and we’re all the same, and i’m drowning in an ocean of these fluid lies and tired eyes. this is maybe, almost completely about how my syllables sound like falsities every time i answer the phone trying to sound like i’ve grown up, and about how i’m hoping it’s you while i’m sifting through message lists and memories.

but really, i promise, i promise this isn’t about you.

it’s about how i forget what i’m saying in the middle of sentences with complex compound structures. and how i’m not much at talking since i get nervous and my words stop making sense. it’s about how i speak in different languages that all sounds alike or like stutters. and how you’re clinging to my ribcage telling me to wait. to breathe. to smile. this is absolutely about how you’re like two fingers on my wrist checking for a pulse and about how you’re substituting your own sort of rhythm to the crash course soundtrack of my life.

this probably isn’t about you, but maybe every other moment is.

i’ve realised that no matter what goals you set, you must ensure they are for yourself.
quite duh but a lot of times we do things for others while thinking we are doing it for ourselves.
i’ve set several personal goals for myself, that are FOR myself.
πŸ™‚
i really hope i can achieve them!
wish me luck.

i always feel a little sad when i think back of yesteryear.
i feel like there’s a lot of things i missed out on. like never going to prom or having graduation. but i guess there’s futures to look forward to yeah?
πŸ™‚

i got this photo surfing esther’s blog who was surfing someone else’s blog so thanks to the author!

here’s a random quote i found on someone’s tumblr site: “Maybe love, too, is beautiful because it has a wildness that cannot be tamed. I don’t know. All I know is that passion can take you up like a house of cards in a tornado, leaving destruction in its wake. Or it can let you alone because you have built a stone wall against it, set out the armed guards to keep it from touching you…”
and by ralph emerson — when it is dark enough, you can see the stars
πŸ™‚

like that one a lot.
i wonder who reads this.

i’ve been tossing and turning in my bed, thinking random thoughts.right now i’m thinking of changing my blog address again. i dunno feels unsafe.
well not that i speak of anything very specific. well i do sometimes. i think. nah i’m quite vague. haha i’m arguing with myself.
anyway, i’m still fighting with myself and i’m undecided which me i’ll let win.
i think of God.. Why has he put me here. it’s cliche but seriously why did you put me in this pardon the irony Godforsaken earth o Lord? Is there truly a purpose for me? preordained? must i find it or must i make it up along the way?

Sometimes when you’ve been burned, you want something else for your life.

I’ve resolved to be more proactive and ‘make it work’!

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